Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Home Alone with Baby

Today was my off day from work, and home alone with baby - which basically (to me) equals ANXIETY.

I did not take the Klonopin, as it basically knocks me out. So, I pushed on throughout the day without my anti-anxiety med. (Isn't it awful I can't face a day with my own baby without having to take anti-anxiety meds?).

Anyway - I felt like crap, with this cold epidemic thing going around. However, I forced myself to attend my Stroller Striders class. 

Felt like crap through class physically, but mentally it felt good talking to the other moms. 

Scarfed down a protein bar on the drive home.
Fought with baby for her to take a nap.
Cleaned out the basement.
Changed baby.
Fed baby.
Changed baby.
Went through motions of "playing" with baby.
Changed baby.
Fed baby.
Gave baby a bath. 

Did not feel as anxious as other days, but still felt uneasy being alone with her. 
Had opportunity to drop her off at family member's house - but once again, stuck it out. 

Sticking it out, and roughing through it is not helping me. 
So what if it's been 4 months and I still need help? 
I really need to start dropping her off again on my days off from work and taking breaks. I think it's the breaks which enable me to recharge and face this PPD demon. 



Crystal said...

Wow, Natalie! I can't tell you how much like me you sound! Your wording is just like I used to describe my days and feelings! Boy do I know what you mean when you say how sad it feels to know you are barely surviving the day when you have to spend it all day alone with the baby. I remember the hours between 3 & 5pm used to really stress me out - I was so bored and anxious (what a strange combo) by that time that I simply dreaded it every day. Personally, having been through this two times now, I really think you ought to talk to your psych about the possibility of changing things up some. The reason you feel this way is a chemical imbalance, and medication should take the majority of those 'not right' feelings away. You shouldn't have to work at it THAT hard. Please consider that. And, remember, you are doing such a wonderful thing for yourself, your husband and your baby. I know it's hard, but you're doing it! Also, take advantage of ANY help anyone is willing to offer. Remember that one day you'll pay it forward to your daughter when she needs you most!

Samantha said...

thank you for sharing your story. I am in the process of writing a post on my blog about this issue and I am going to link ( I already asked you.. :) ) your blog so that my readers can relate to you and what you're experiencing.

Take care of yourself and know that you are not alone in this!

Pinky said...

I am not sure if this will make you feel better or worse, but it was about a year before I didn't dread being alone with her. Yes, you definitely need to take breaks. If the breaks make you feel better, you will be happier when you get home and in a better frame of mind to deal with baby. And believe me, your mood directly affects baby. Hang in there.

Natalie said...

Pinky - That actually makes me feel a lot better for some reason! Thanks for sharing. I feel as though I just need time as well to adjust to this new addition to our household and I just am so anxious about being home alone with the baby for now. It is getting better, but I still dread being alone with her.