Brief Time Line

Okay, so 10/22/08 the little tater tot popped out, and then 24 hours later we left the hospital. 

For the first few days, I was a mess with what I guess the professionals label the "baby blues". I was crying for most of the day, and was extremely hormonal.  I second guessed myself on why I even wanted a child. 

My husband went back to work 2 days after being home from the hospital, and I was extremely scared to be all alone with a newborn for about 12 hours a day. 

For the next 5-6 weeks I was crying, extremely anxious, tired and just "in a daze".  It was cold out, so I could not get out much. I actually looked forward to the pediatrician appointments, just so we could get out. 

It was during these weeks that I became extremely depressed and anxious. I literally wanted to give Keelyn up for adoption, or take my own life. It was either her or me. I never felt the urge to hurt her, I just wanted to give her away. 

Week 7 is when the "shit hit the fan", so to speak. I went to my primary care doctor and told her of my situation. She prescribed me 20mg of Lexapro right from the get go, along with Xanax. I took the Lexapro and Xanax and 3 days later I basically had a nervous breakdown. I could not sleep, I could not eat and I could not function. I was an anxiety ridden zombie going through the motions of life with a newborn. 

I called my mother, and she took me right away to a psychiatrist who informed me that the 20mg of Lexapro was like 100 cups of coffee hitting into my system. And the Xanax was just like having a couple of beers. 

I was a mess. My mother said she had never seen me look as bad as I did the day she took me to the psychiatrist. 

I was honest with the psychiatrist and told him that I was contemplating suicide and that I just could not stand the constant anxiety along with taking care of a baby 12 hours a day. The doctor gave me two options: go to the hospital or have a respite at my mother's house. 

I obviously chose my mother's house, as I would have jumped off a tall bridge before being admitted to a hospital. 

I spent only 3 nights at my mother's house - but I slept the entire time and started on 5mg of Lexapro and .5mg of Klonopin 2x/day, as well as birth control to try and right some of my hormones. 

So, I am now at 4 months post partum and I am still facing daily challenges and constant fatigue due to the medicine. I still think about suicide, and I still think about just leaving the country.

I hope to be able to fight my way out of this dark hole and become the woman I once was.