Home Alone with Baby

Today was my off day from work, and home alone with baby - which basically (to me) equals ANXIETY.

I did not take the Klonopin, as it basically knocks me out. So, I pushed on throughout the day without my anti-anxiety med. (Isn't it awful I can't face a day with my own baby without having to take anti-anxiety meds?).

Anyway - I felt like crap, with this cold epidemic thing going around. However, I forced myself to attend my Stroller Striders class. 

Felt like crap through class physically, but mentally it felt good talking to the other moms. 

Scarfed down a protein bar on the drive home.

Fought with baby for her to take a nap.

Cleaned out the basement.

Changed baby.

Fed baby.

Changed baby.

Went through motions of "playing" with baby.

Changed baby.

Fed baby.

Gave baby a bath. 

Did not feel as anxious as other days, but still felt uneasy being alone with her. 

Had opportunity to drop her off at family member's house - but once again, stuck it out. 

Sticking it out, and roughing through it is not helping me. 

So what if it's been 4 months and I still need help? 

I really need to start dropping her off again on my days off from work and taking breaks. I think it's the breaks which enable me to recharge and face this PPD demon. 

I WILL NOT FEEL WEAK OR GUILTY BECAUSE I STILL NEED HELP. 

So, the therapy appointment went well (as always).  I always feel a sense of renewal after leaving these therapy appointments. Maybe its because after every appointment, I view it as a new start to tackle this PPD, maybe its because I just get to get out of the house or maybe its just because its nice to talk to someone who's job is to listen to me. 

Today flew by. 

I woke up at 4am to workout (but only did a brief workout - due to having a little cold). 

I showered and then since I had time to spare, I just laid downstairs in the dark and tried to just breathe and clear my head of all thoughts (I got this technique from attending a yoga session one time). I felt extremely relaxed (also because I took the Klonopin 45 mins earlier), but then the sound of a crying baby quickly brought me back to the ugly reality of having to go through another day.

So, Shane dropped off the baby and I had some time alone to eat some egg beaters cooked in the microwave and peruse the internet (my two favorite things). 

Went to work, left early due to feeling sick. Came home, took a nap. Picked up Keelyn, picked up my dog, picked up a consignment shop exersaucer, made dinner, walked on the treadmill, cleaned the kitchen, swept the floor, gave the baby a bath and now I'm about to go to sleep.

So, the question remains: Do I still feel this impending doom about my life with baby? Yes. 

Here We Go Again....

So, I feel as though I've "relapsed" back to my first encounter with this damn PPD and anxiety. I feel extremely hopeless, depressed and I have this anxiety feeling in the pit of my stomach that just won't go away (even with the assistance of my anti-anxiety med). I feel as though I just am not supposed to be a mom, and that I'm selfish and I want my time back to myself. I made a huge mistake having this baby, and I don't know what type of path lies ahed of me....

I have a therapy appointment tonight, so hopefully I can get some of this crap under control. 

Where am I Going?

So, recently I have again been toying with the idea of just not being here anymore - and when I say "here", I really don't know what I mean. Confused?

I don't want to die, I don't enjoy life anymore though either - what's a girl to do?

I really kind of like my husband and don't want to leave him, but I do feel like running away from the baby. But the husband and baby are a package deal - so I can't leave. I'm stuck. 

I am really feeling like the meds are doing the best they'll do, and the rest is up to me to try and do some self talk to further help myself out. 

Funny how a 16 lb baby can scare the hell out of me and cause me anxiety problems. 

What's up with that? 

Maybe a Dim Light at the End of the Tunnel?

On my drive home from work, two things occurred to me today:

1.) I drive way too fast, and...

2.) Keelyn will not be this helpless, boring, life sucking baby forever. 

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go....

So, I haven't been to work since last Tuesday. Shane has been dropping the baby off at a family member's house and I've been sleeping (there goes that guilt again) while the baby has been away.

So, I am off to work today and am going to put on a smile and do my work thing. 

Positive Thought of the Day

I am going to attempt to write two posts a day: one negative, and one positive.

The negative thought of the day was "Got Guilt?"

So, moving on to the positive thought/moment of the day:

I went to my Stroller Striders class this morning and had a great workout and enjoyed the company of all the other mothers. (For those of you who don't know, I REALLY enjoy working out!). I then grabbed a McDonald's coffee at the drive-through and enjoyed my coffee while feeding Keelyn her bottle. 

I then went through the motion of "playing" with Keelyn, and she was giggling and laughing while I kissed her neck. I really enjoyed being her mother at that moment....

I hope to have more "moments" like that. 

Got Guilt?

At my darkest hour, my psychiatrist (yes, I have a psychiatrist) said for me to "let go of the guilt". I felt guilty about leaving my husband, Shane, to go stay at my mom's for a respite. I feel guilty for having family always watching Keelyn while I stay home and sleep all day. I feel guilty that Shane has to deal with all of this. I feel guilty that I have this illness. I feel guilty for wanting a child that I really don't want now. I feel guilty for missing work. I feel guilty just for feeling guilty.

I feel this guilt on a daily basis, and I cannot just "let it go", no matter how hard I try. 

Embarrassed?

My therapist (yes, I have a therapist) tells me that PPD is a real illness, just like cancer - yet the stigma associated with a mental health disorder is much different than a physical illness that everyone can see. 

If one is sick, then one needs to nurse oneself back to health - no matter it be mental or physical health. 

Am I embarrassed by "airing my dirty laundry"? Yes and no. 

However, if this blog can help other mom's with their PPD illness - then it is worth sharing my story on the world wide web. 

Brief Time Line

Okay, so 10/22/08 the little tater tot popped out, and then 24 hours later we left the hospital. 

For the first few days, I was a mess with what I guess the professionals label the "baby blues". I was crying for most of the day, and was extremely hormonal.  I second guessed myself on why I even wanted a child. 

My husband went back to work 2 days after being home from the hospital, and I was extremely scared to be all alone with a newborn for about 12 hours a day. 

For the next 5-6 weeks I was crying, extremely anxious, tired and just "in a daze".  It was cold out, so I could not get out much. I actually looked forward to the pediatrician appointments, just so we could get out. 

It was during these weeks that I became extremely depressed and anxious. I literally wanted to give Keelyn up for adoption, or take my own life. It was either her or me. I never felt the urge to hurt her, I just wanted to give her away. 

Week 7 is when the "shit hit the fan", so to speak. I went to my primary care doctor and told her of my situation. She prescribed me 20mg of Lexapro right from the get go, along with Xanax. I took the Lexapro and Xanax and 3 days later I basically had a nervous breakdown. I could not sleep, I could not eat and I could not function. I was an anxiety ridden zombie going through the motions of life with a newborn. 

I called my mother, and she took me right away to a psychiatrist who informed me that the 20mg of Lexapro was like 100 cups of coffee hitting into my system. And the Xanax was just like having a couple of beers. 

I was a mess. My mother said she had never seen me look as bad as I did the day she took me to the psychiatrist. 

I was honest with the psychiatrist and told him that I was contemplating suicide and that I just could not stand the constant anxiety along with taking care of a baby 12 hours a day. The doctor gave me two options: go to the hospital or have a respite at my mother's house. 

I obviously chose my mother's house, as I would have jumped off a tall bridge before being admitted to a hospital. 

I spent only 3 nights at my mother's house - but I slept the entire time and started on 5mg of Lexapro and .5mg of Klonopin 2x/day, as well as birth control to try and right some of my hormones. 

So, I am now at 4 months post partum and I am still facing daily challenges and constant fatigue due to the medicine. I still think about suicide, and I still think about just leaving the country.

I hope to be able to fight my way out of this dark hole and become the woman I once was. 

A Brief Introduction

I dated my husband for 6 years before we got married. We had been married 2 years when we decided to try for a child. We had to use fertility treatments, and while we got pregnant with only the second round of treatments, the treatments and constant appointments were very stressful. 

Once we found out we were pregnant we were shocked and scared!! 

I did not understand how I was second guessing myself about having a child the moment I found out I was pregnant, especially since we wanted a child so much! 

I slowly became excited about the little tater tot growing inside of me, and my husband and I were anxious to see what the little one would look like. 

Well, 10 months later, little Keelyn Grace made her entrance into this world and into our lives on 10/22/2008. Since then my world has been a dark, dark place....